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Apr. 5th, 2007

07:40 pm - roommate with me

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(in gavin's words:)

"Attention Everyone,

there is a room opening at Fortress Stickfigure.

It's perfect to live in or use as a art studio.

here are the details:

$225 per month + utilities which are usually less than $60 per month - that's right, less than $300 per month!
13' x 13' room with central AC/Heat
access to three full bathrooms
800 square ft kitchen
2000 square ft living room - we could have a archery range in here

located in the west end / adair park - 712 shelton ave sw - 30310, the west end marta stop is right there

other perks: you can make fun of gavin every day"


Apr. 3rd, 2007

03:50 pm - "I don't wanna play in no fucking sixties band"

As you can imagine, I was not exactly overjoyed to read the email from NYU declining my request to go to grad school there. I figure this is all part of GOD'S PLAN. I found a funny invitation for a flash mob in Florida:

"High School Ninja Swarm
[submitted-2007-03-04 22:40:20 PST]

swarm my high school.
tell all your friends.
wear appropriate ninja attire or all black.
Saint Cloud, Florida
Saint Cloud High School on Bulldog Lane.
Wednesday, March 7th.
run across campus.
act ninja."

fucking awesome. also this:

"At his funeral, Allin's bloated, discolored corpse was dressed in his black leather jacket and trademark jock strap. He had a bottle of Jim Beam beside him in his casket, as per his wishes (openly stated in his self-penned acoustic country ballad, "When I Die"). As part of his brother's request, the mortician was instructed not to wash the corpse, (which smelled strongly of feces), or apply any makeup. The funeral became a wild party. Friends posed with the corpse, put drugs and whiskey into its mouth, and pulled down the jock strap to take pictures of Allin's penis. As the funeral ended, his brother put a pair of headphones on Allin. The headphones were plugged into a portable cassette player, in which was loaded a copy of The Suicide Sessions. The video of his funeral is widely available for purchase, and is an extra feature on the Hated DVD and some bootleg VHS tapes."

A New World is Possible Now. An affirmation for myself at a time when I'm not sure what step to take.

Current Location: twerk
Current Mood: a little sad
Current Music: silicon teens

Apr. 2nd, 2007

01:45 pm - a day

I woke myself up this morning at 4 am by pissing in the bed. Sadly not a joke. I have contracted throat AIDS after taking a bad hit with my redneck cousin from Florida the other night, and after dosing myself with 3 cups of rooibos tea, liquid vitamins, and Emergen-C, my bladder apparently was reduced to infantile elimination strategies. I was also having a dream about peeing. Anyway, not much came out and I successfully went back to sleep naked with the dog until 7:45 at which point it was obvious I would be late to work because MARTA is not very useful in helping me attain the 8:30 am ETA suggested by the management at my non-profit. I found an awesome black jumper and white dress shirt at the thrift store this weekend, so in dressing this morning I at least came closer to my ultimate life goal of looking like the girl from the "Charlotte Sometimes" video mixed with, I don't know, raven tresses. Photo of me in the shitter to follow vs. actual girl from video:

Foods I wish I had:
-chicken soup
-pizza with mushrooms and pineapple
-a smoothie

Foods that I do have:
-a sweet potato
-a pear
-a granny smith apple
-hot tea

:( :( :( Need better foods!

Current Location: work of course
Current Music: teenage panzerkorps

Mar. 30th, 2007

10:55 am

Mar. 29th, 2007

09:07 pm - bad mood all over the place

Reasons I am in a bad mood:
1) My NYU interview went very poorly. I felt like I sounded like an asshole to them, and I didn't feel like I got any kind of good impression about them. It would be nice to get in just to flatter my ego, but I feel like I represented myself very very poorly.
2) Still no car, waiting for that this weekend. Otherwise I'd be in athens right now.
3) Have to meet Grandma at 7:30 am to get the cancer scraped off her face. Not really looking forward to that, and I have to go into work afterwards.
4) Meeting Corinne in a minute to go to Bradley and Robert's birthday party and I don't really feel up to it. I feel very tired and drained.
5) Headache
6) Worried about my MODA grants, my GCAPP grants, and the possibility of not getting to work remotely anywhere and having to frantically search for jobs in B'more.

Reasons to feel better:
1) I learned a lot from talking to them, and now I know that I need to practice my art-talk and be ready to talk to ANYBODY coherently about my work. Even if I never go to grad school, I need to learn to make my work sound as sexy and fascinating as I am.
2) Even if I was in Athens right now, I'd have to come back to take Grandma to the doctor tomorrow. And I'll get the new car soon enough.
3) Thank God I'm going to work after taking Grandma, otherwise she would suck up my whole day. It's nice that I get to miss AM work and go down to talk to her nice Dr, who went to Johns Hopkins--maybe he'll have some ideas about non-profits I can work at in Baltimore! Plus, going to work means I'll get to go to the gym afterwards, and then I'll meet Josh somewhere to finish up stuff. Then Saturday morning is that awesome symposium, so that all is good. I think mostly I'm freaking out because I miss Adam in a weird way--what the hell is wrong with me? I get fidgety when I think of us moving to different places, it makes my stomach hurt a lot.
4) Maybe I'll have fun at the party. I never go to parties, and maybe seeing Bradley's place will make me feel inspired about something--he used to inspire me a lot when I was 14, so maybe I can find remnants of his coolness, or maybe at least he has cool friends.
5) My head hurts because I'm sleepy--and maybe that means that all of this stuff I'm worrying about is just the product of a sleepy mind.
6) I can work on MODA grants while Grandma gets the cancer taken care of maybe; I'm SURE I'll get to work remotely somewhere and if not I'll find something that is better than any of current jobs. I bet I find a place that pays me $40K to write grants from home, and I'll do it and we'll get a lot of the grants too! I need to make sure I've got a good printer and fax (uh oh! landline necessary?) in order to pull my shit though. Potentially we'll have an amazing apt in B'more and it will be really cool, fun, and educational!

Mar. 16th, 2007

09:59 pm - defining what you want

I spent the day today with Grandma, and I came to several realizations based on my strong desire to not end up like Grandma. Basically, I want a lot of different things in my life that seem to conflict, and pursuing one seems to eliminate possibility for the other. But I don't want to accept that particular reality (like, these beliefs are self-defeating and self-imposed), and so I am going to make a list here of the things that I want, and see how they can be obtained.

1. To have enough money for a nice car, and enough money to move to Baltimore. I think if I can have fun doing more writing, more assignments, maybe even pick up odd shifts at PTC, then I can make it. I don't mind having the car payment in Baltimore as long as I've got enough savings (ideally, $6000) to allow us to get a nice apartment, a great job, and not feel like we're living like Spartans the whole time.

2. To keep dating Adam and to experience growth and success. I love when we do creative things together, and if I channel my energy into our music I think that could be completely gratifying. Also, we're moving to a place where we're really close to tons of cool places to visit and I'll finally get to be away from my family and see what kind of things I like to do when I'm not trying to please everyone else and be the "responsible" one. Not that I don't want to be responsible, but I feel a lot of times like I can't fuck up at any cost because of the tribulations my family members have experienced. This is not true, and I want to feel more young and less weighted by generations of poverty, ignorance, alcohol/drug abuse, and abusive relationships.

3. To experience personal artistic success, continue my education, and to travel the world while still maintaining a good income and a nurturing relationship with my favorite person. I don't know if this will take the shape of me working remotely as a grantwriter or in web design (listen up world, I'm interested!), but I want to meet people in many far-flung places and experience rich geographic/cultural/economic diversity. I also want to not stress about money, know how to manage it, and to have a nurturing long-term relationship that fully supports every possible kind of growth and success. Specifically, I would like to experience this type of relationship with Adam and I would like to be with him until the day that I die in a rhinoceros attack.

These are all of the things that seem like conflicting goals right now. The most pressing one is the thing about having the nice car and the money, but the most important five-year goal is self-actualization within the context of a committed relationship, while the most important lifelong goal is to experience diversity, learning, growth, and happiness (the things I have listed are the things that I think will make me most happy though--unlimited travel, art success, and money would be like you know fucking ideal or something).

Mar. 15th, 2007

06:16 pm

One of my favorite things to do is to cook when I'm not actually hungry. It's so empowering to not feel desperate for things to move quickly, and I enjoy doing other things while the contents of the oven are roasting or baking. Also this is good because I can put the food away and eat it later, allowing me to have immediate gratification when I am actually famished.

I have been on vacation all week and felt very traumatized because of my bank account being overdraft, my cellphone being dead, and my car needing repairs in the amount of $1700. These things are most upsetting because:
1) bank account overdrafts make me feel like I'm not in control of my finances and like I'm still an irresponsible little kid that can't be trusted with money.
2) cellphone stuff is just annoying, and I missed tons of critical text messages from friends, I've felt very isolated except for Adam
3) I've known for at least 2 years that my car was going to fuck up majorly, but still didn't get more frequent maintenance (the thing never had a tune-up, although I was pretty regular with oil changes) and I drove it into the ground going to see Adam in Athens.

This car situation feels very complicated. There are all of these implications of getting or not getting it that my mind has been frantically scrabbling with for the last few days.
-I could get no car, continue to save money and either use the money to get a car after moving to Baltimore or use the money to live on while looking for a job in Baltimore.
-I could get a car, assume a car payment of around $300 a month (including insurance) and still try to save as much money as possible to move.

The decisions come in when I consider whether I will need a car in Baltimore (probably yes), whether I can survive until August sans car (bus tickets to Athens will add up fast), and whether my old car might still be salvageable. I need to get a written estimate and see if I can find a car shop that might charge less hourly to replace the head gasket, but still my car is in less than ideal condition. Besides the 2 cracked side panels and cracked windshield, it has no functional A/C, the odometer doesn't work, it has an oil leak, and a coolant leak. Constant coolant leaks over the past year are probably what has led up to this disastrous situation with the head gasket.

Actually, if I look at all my car repair bills, I've spent an average of $60 a month on repairs over the 5 years I spent with the Saturn. I bought it for $3,000 and put $3700.99 worth of work into it since 2002. This is really not a very large figure because I'm considering getting a car payment that would be around $300 a month, and the shitty thing is that I will have to pay for the inevitable repairs on top of that. It is very daunting to consider!

My plan is to research how much the parts would cost for myself, get some different labor estimates, and maybe take it in for an a second opinion to a different shop. While doing that, I'm going to be seeing what kind of interest rates I qualify for and whether I need to get Grandma to co-sign on a loan with me. I think ideally I would get a loan for $8600 and only spend around $5000 on the car, so then I would have less to pay back?

I need to do more research on the kinds of cars I'm considering (japanese engines), and see when they start losing their blue book value, see if I can get information on what kind of major repair trends are associated with different models of cars. It is a lot of work to do, and probably a lot of time. I imagine that really I don't have an actual choice here where I think I have a choice of purchasing the car: I will be carless and frugal until I can get the car, at which point I will be even more frugal until I can move.

I need to go wash my face and drink some water. All of these car-siderations are so overwhelming.

Feb. 19th, 2007

03:56 pm - dog shit 1

I finally have begun to fulfill the purpose of this livejournal account, which is to post my drawings of Frankenstein's (and other encounters with) shit.

In other news, I think there's something wrong with people who wink at you in real life ( as opposed to computer faces). It reminds me of the first guy I ever got naked with, he had a horrible facial tick and I thought he was always insinuating some filthy double entendre. He collected action figures.

I think boys who collect action figures should only be allowed to date girls who collect Barbies or beanie babies/etc, because those people deserve each other. By collect I mean keeps it in the box and possibly on display in their bedroom. I do this, only with like dog shit and rat heads. Adam never did take it back to his place I drew a picture of it for the madratz benefit on Thursday.

This weekend Adam and I watched The Fly, which I had never seen but i loved it. We also went to see Ghost Rider. We got there late, and had to sit in the second row. There was a gummi bear stuck to the screen, throughout the movie it would be like on somebody's face, or on the moon, or whatever. Adam said that at some points it was in people's mouths.

Why don't they make movies that come with their own customized painted/decorated/layered projection screen, so that you could project the film but there would be this other layer to it, and you could only appreciate it in the theater like a william castle movie. Maybe it could be a very translucent screen, and there is another film showing on the other side of the screen, so the two movies are layered all weird. Like a romance/drama with an insect documentary on the other side. You could do The Fly, and have Jeff Goldblum coverred in flies by the end, and Geena Davis could be covered in dog shit.

Current Location: twerk
Current Music: frankie lymon buxxfuxx

Feb. 13th, 2007

03:08 pm - retardobotz

i got up this morning at 5 am, and kept hitting the SNOOZER until 7:30. Which completely fucked me because I was getting up early to work on two proposals due today, and I can't even work on one because I don't have the right application form. So I owe these people--these people who are paying me MONEY--2 proposals, one which can't be finished, and I still haven't started either of them.

Whee! SO irresponsible. Sooner or later this shit is going to catch up with me and my ass will be in the can, but it didn't catch up with me in high school OR college, so maybe you really can have your procrastinated cake and eat it too. Although I did read earlier today that procrastinators suffer more stress-related illnesses.

I printed out a lot of affirmations to put all over my house, computer, car, dog, and wallet. They say things like "I NEVER procrastinate" and also "I am happy because life is fun!" I think if I can brainwash myself into thinking that life is fun, then I can probably stop frowning. Ever. I'll just get those muscles taken out, and my face will look less fat.

I think I'm just excitable because I ate a giant cup of ice cream we had at work called "heavenly hash." It had RAISINS in it, which I think is a very enlightened decision on the part of the ice cream manufacturer. When do we get to have "fruit medley" ice cream, with banana chips, prunes, apricots, craisins, and dates in it?

Finally I emailed Adam this morning all kinds of weird sex moves like "snake play" where you pretend you are a snake and get dominated. I didn't know there was a whole world of people who pretend to be animals when they fuck. They are called Ponygirls and Ponyboys.

I read a Margaret Cho interview where she talks about the mindset of people who are the "top" in an S&M sense, and how this worldview translates into performance as you are always creating a total experience for your "bottom." I would like to be in the position of total control more often in life, but it is heartening to consider the other side of the situation, which is that control is always just a performance.

Current Location: work din of hell
Current Mood: ebullient
Current Music: girl in the office laughing her head off

Feb. 11th, 2007

11:36 pm - mega rollz

My sister cleans houses for money, and yesterday i went to help her clean a house in Jonesboro. It was fucked. There was no power or water, and everything was covered in rat shit, dog hair, and dog food. There were stacks of motorcycle magazines and cigarette butts everywhere. There were blankets and stacks of trash strewn all over. The people that had lived there were evicted, and this lady had just bought the house to re-sell and she wanted Corinne to clean up all remnants of the previous owners.

I was cleaning up the living room and I found a dead rat head. The body was gone, but the rat head was intact, so I gathered it in a latex glove and took it with me. Later I tried to pull it out of the glove and put it in a plastic baggie, but it was stuck inside one of the fingers of the glove and it got kind of fucked up when I furiously shook it from the glove into the baggie. I gave it to Adam, then we went to get margaritas and fell asleep. It was a fun weekend.

Current Location: adam's house
Current Mood: quixoticquixotic
Current Music: snigga

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